How Best Can You Be For Your Family and Community?

...by making yourself a better person for yourself first.

A conversation between Kay and her adopted Peruvian grandparents and teachers Domano and Chea Hetaka about the only commitments they asked of her to become their apprentice, namely to commit to absolute secrecy and not to take any notes.

From “The Reluctant Shaman” by Kay Cordell Whitaker

"It is for your benefit we make this condition," Chea said, picking up her cup again. "Right now these teachings are for you. This rule is to help you, not restrict you. For you, our new young friend, talking about learning is a way for you to keep all of your attention locked in the habits of your mind. It is like prison bars for you. And notes as well. What we have to teach you is outside these bars. It is what is beyond the linear." Chea took both my hands. Her face actually showed great concern, and it was as though she were speaking directly into my eyes. "You are not your husband. You have your own death. Your own destiny. You cannot tie yourself to the shadow of another being, to another's mental habits. To learn our ways, you must do this learning for only you. Not anyone else. You must know in your heart that you are accomplishing this thing for you alone."

For me alone. That concept felt odd. It felt scary, selfish, almost sacrilegious. How could they ask such a thing of me? If I had no one in my life it would be easier, it wouldn't make any difference. But to shut my loved ones out, how could I?

Chea's voice got sterner. "How best can you be for your family and community? How best can you be good for them? It is by you making yourself a  better person for yourself first. Yes?"

"Yes," I answered unsurely.

"You must swear to yourself first that you do this for you. And then you must commit to us to abide by our conditions of silence, or you will not be able to learn. You think you betray your husband by keeping secrets. You betray only yourself by tying yourself to his shadow."

I was shaking. She was right. For the first time I saw that I had abandoned my own dreams, my destiny, to be a ghostlike builder in someone else's. I was not living the life I had hoped for in my youth, but the life that had been prescribed by a cultural expectation. I mumbled out loud, "How disgusting. Living a lie. And never even noticing!" I disliked myself intensely. I felt very uncomfortable. I had actually betrayed myself, throwing away all my own ideas and hopes as though they were nothing, a child's fantasies, worthless. "My God."

"Yes," Domano said. "It has been that to you, these shadows of your culture, your husband. We will fix you more coffee. You sit in the sunlight and think as long as you need on this commitment."

- Kay Cordell Whitaker
The Reluctant Shaman
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